~ * ~ Angel's Tears ~ * ~

Away to Malaysia for the Next Few Days [27-02-2009]

2009-02-28T00:58:00.000+08:00

These past few days have been really hectic at work to the extent whereby I don't really have any personal time to do the things that I would want to do. I'm so tired that I am oversleeping every single day and being late for work! Not that I want to.

Thank goodness for the weekends! I will be going off to Perak for a few days of rest and relax and will only be back in Singapore on 2nd March 2009 (Monday) night! I'm really looking forward to this trip of 3 days as it is the only time I could slow down my pace of life and truely relax myself and my brain! It's another 6 more hours before I have to set out from Singapore to JB to catch my train!

I have just came back from a fellow friend's mother funeral. It came as a surprise that she had passed away when the doctor had predicted that she might be able to live for another couple of days. Oh well~ I am sure that she has passed on to a place whereby there is no longer pain and suffering. And I am sure too that memories of her will live on in those who love her.

On a brighter note, there is a huge sale going on in Eastpoint, Simei! CDs and DVDs are going off at a dirt cheap price! And there are also wallets, clothes and bags being sold at a low price at the atrium of Eastpoint. This sale will be going on for the next two days! So, if you have the time to spare, do check it out!

Adios everyone and till next time!!

[28/01/09] Utter Boredom Yawns

2009-01-28T11:24:00.038+08:00

It's the first day back to work after a long weekend of 4 days due to Chinese New Year. I didn't really feel like coming back to work today and just felt like sleeping through the morning. But, I have to. And the worst thing is that I am all alone in the office as both Chin Chin and Leong is still on leave.

Covering the work for 2 people who are absent, and on top of that, doing my work is no fun at all. It's stressful and I have to be mindful of the time all the time. Like right now, I had just finished covering Chin Chin's work, and Leong's work as well. Only now then do I have the time to start on my own work. I have got to bear in mind that I will have to complete everything by tomorrow as I am on leave on Friday till next Tuesday, and there would be no one to cover my work. It's kind of unfair coming to think about it. But then, what can I do? That's life and that's work for me.

Luckily for me tonight, there is no tuition. I am dead beat tired as it is now, and if there is any tuition in the night, I really do not know how am I going to teach my student properly whilst trying not to fall asleep. The only person I can blame for my tiredness is myself. Afterall, I am the one who slept at 5.30am last night knowing that I have to work at 9am today, and had to wake up at 7am.

The temptations of the Forex market was just too good to resist. At the very least, I had learnt something out of that 5 hours last night. So, it is not that bad as I had learnt something out of the sacrifice of my sleep. I might decide to try out Forex when I have truely learnt the basics of it and thoroughly understand how the Forex market work. There are many stories of people who got burnt in Forex, and yet there also many success stories of people who gained financial freedom because of it.

My older cousin is one of the success story. I had first heard of Forex from him last year when I went visiting my grandmother during Chinese New Year. He gained his financial freedom at the age of 25 years old. However, he cautioned me too not to be too greedy when it comes to trading on Forex. And the advice given was to learn everything about it first before attempting it. He started trading Forex at the age of 18, however during the first 2 years of trade, he had lost a total of $10,000 as he was using short-selling and leveraging. It was only during the 3rd after intensive study of how Forex works, then had he broke even with his losses. And on his 4th year of trading at age 24, he started earning his first $10k within the first few months. 1 year later, he had officially attained his first million.

I do not have the money to lose, and so I can't afford to make that sort of losses. Therefore, the sacrifice of sleep is well worth it if I could learn something out of that. But, I would not make it a habit as my work performance would suffer as a result of that. Hmm..

Tonight, I would be going to Tampines Mall to buy a new laptop backpack as well as the "Little Nyonya" DVD to watch as I would be travelling for 12 hours on a train to Penang with nothing to do. What more, it is a morning train, thus it would be a bit ridulous to be sleeping on a day train. Lol so I think I would be better off spending the time watching Little Nyonya again..

MAS is here!! 04-12-2008 0945hrs

2008-12-04T09:28:00.001+08:00

You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not be bad, I'm telling you why. MAS is coming to town..

Haha, MAS is here to our company for investigation purpose. The long awaited wait is finally here, and it was the Minibond issue that triggered the visit. Well, all my files and documents were pulled over to HQ to show to MAS for them to better understand our company's procedures and processes. Hopefully, there would be no issues over there.

They would be here for 2 days - today and tomorrow. And I am hoping that they would hop over to my department for a visit. Hehe, it had been a long time since I was wondering how the in charge of MAS looks like, and it's my chance to find out for myself these past two days. Yipee!!

Super tired today. It's of no doubt that I would be. And it's through my choice of sleeping at 3am last night that cause my tiredness, and I have no reason to complain about it. Everybody has the freedom to choose, and I have chose me. So, live with the consequence of my own decisions, and stop whining.

Hectic Day 03-12-2008

2008-12-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

Late for work!! I was super late this time round, reaching the office only at 1045hrs! Gosh~!

These past few days I was just super tired. Not sure why, but I suspect that it had something to do with the sever hangover that I had on Sunday, early morning. Nevertheless, I woke up, dazed and went back to sleep, resulting in my super lateness for work today. Luckily, my department head did not say anything. I hope that that does not mean anything, hopefully. *crosses fingers*

Work for today was hectic, to the extent that there was no lunch break at all. All these just to prepare for MAS arrival tomorrow. *rolls eyes* I just could not understand why must there be preparations that were so last minute. If housekeeping (like in the F&B line) was to be done every single day, there would be absolutely no call for such panic to occur. This clearly show the lack of system in my current company. Oh well, it's a small company. What is there for any expectations?

In the end, Tan Chin Chin had to go to the December monthly training on my behalf, as I had to rush out the files and documents for MAS viewing pleasure. What I can say is that luckily for me, I was able to finish everything by 1730hrs, and so, there was no need for any overtime work to be done. Hehe, that is one of the high point in my life. It goes to show that if proper filing and documentation were to be done daily, when emergencies arises, we are also well prepared to meet it without panicking. *smiles*

Finally! I had the time to go to the library after 3 long weeks of having no time. Needless to say, the fines on my 8 books were horrendous and I had to fork out $10 just to clear the fines in order to borrow more books. It's not that I did not have the time to finish reading the books. In actual fact, I had finished all 8 books some weeks earlier on, it is just that I did not have the time to return the books, as it takes me a grand total of 45 minutes just to go there. I miss just staying opposite the library and I hate the unpredictability of the public transport.

Anyway, I am really happy today as I found new books by my favourite authors - Karen Kingsbury and Lesley Pearse! It had been a long time since there was any new release by these two authors, or was it for the fact that the library had not brought in the books by them. I wonder. This time round, all 8 books borrowed by me were written by both of them. Imagine my surprise when I saw a shelful of their books when in the past, there was only 2-3 books by them on the shelves. Hehe, I guess that they must be getting popular in Singapore too, which is a good thing for me as it was difficult to grab hold of their books in the past.

These two authors writes about life in general. Basically, their style of writing is more for inspiration purposes, and there is usually lots of meaning and lessons to be learnt in their novels. But, of course, it's not everybody's cup of tea as their books are usually super thick, being more than a thousand pages for each novel. But, I love it. I just love thick books that are well-written! *grins*

Today, it could be considered an unusual day for me. Friends who were long missing in action suddenly contacted me to go out with them, of course to which I rejected them all. I have no idea why, but recently, I did not have the mood to go out and entertain people.

Bryan Tan asked me out for supper today but was rejected by me as I was super tired today. I would love to go out with him to eat as there is a connection between him and me. But, strangely I just could not be bothered to stand up, open my door and walk out to meet him. It's not my friends, it's me. The problem lies with me. Hmm.. Could it be that I have finally found myself, or is it just that I had outgrown the majority of my friends? Have they changed, or have I? *Life-making decisions*

Total Boredom 02-12-2008

2008-12-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

First day back to work after a long weekend break..

I woke up this morning at 6am, and just stared off into the distance. It's a miracle that I could pulled myself off the comforts of my bed and prepare myself for work. Furthermore, I slept only at 5.30am the previous night, which makes it a grand total of half an hour of sleep before I set off for work.

What could I say about my first day back to work after a long weekend of 3 days? Well, it's total boredom for me. I'm totally convinced with each passing day that I am just not cut out for the corporate world. No doubt, I am a workaholic and I love working, but I just could not garner the passion for office work even though I was in the working world for close to 7 years. Why is that so? Maybe, it is really time for me to return back to my passion - the F&B line.

Bryan, see, I have already told you, I just could not make it on a desk bound job. I have tried, and I have failed. Now, do you believe me? I'm unhappy, and this is a feeling that I have never had before in my entire 7 years of working. I'm dragging myself out of bed every single morning and facing the day with dread and boredom. It's the wrong field of work that I am in, and it's killing the passionate girl within me. I feel old now when I am just 22 years of age. It's time to start finding myself once again. I'm scared of losing myself in this rat race.

Work is hectic as I have to clear the work that had piled up during my absence on Monday, and at the same time, I have to also clear the work for today. I hate the fact that there is no one to cover my work whenever I am on leave, and my other colleagues have people to cover them. My work is much more difficult than any one of them, whereas theirs is just purely administrative work, but why is it that I am getting much lower paid than them? And why is it that I do not have Overtime pay? Why is it that my department head is getting three times my salary, but yet he has absolutely nothing to do?

Life is never fair, and I shall not ask for fairness in life as that is something that is impossible. I won't surrender to the suffocation of deskbound work and I won't bow my head to the difficulties of life. I don't want to be as pitiful as my friends who depends on their boyfriends so much. I just want to be independent. And I am glad to say that I have achieved all of that. *smiles* I have never taken money from my boyfriend, neither have I ever allowed him to pay for me. Emotional support comes from myself, and not from anyone else. And I am happier than those who depends on others. In that sense, I'm more wealthy than anyone of them.

It's K-box today, with the boss, my colleagues and the interns. And I was damm bored in the room, something that has never happened before when I go for Karaoke session. Something is terribly wrong here. The K-box session was supposed to be a celebration for the intern's last day and to thank them for all the help that they had rendered to us during these past 12 weeks. However, I happen to think that it was just an excuse for my boss to show off to us.

He was basically just hogging the mike, and looking down at everybody else. The music was just too loud, and no one could outsing the music. I have no idea why they must turn the volume of the music up to that volume. It was deafening and definately not enjoyable.

Further to that, my boss voice was damn loud. That is not neccessarily a bad thing. However, his singing voice is not pleasing to the ears as it was just too high pitch. As such, it is just grating on the ears even though he was not singing out of tune. And when I have selected my favourite song, he taunted us by saying if we are sure we are up to singing that song, and he could sing it well. *rolls eyes* Yeah right! It was horrendous at how he slaughtered all of my favourite songs into something that was totally grating to the ears.

I'm now not too sure if I still like those songs after I heard the slaughtered version of them. Yikes! *cringes* One thing for sure, I am never ever going for a K-box session ever again with my boss and colleagues. It was just total boredom even though I was trying to enjoy myself.

Took a cab home from Lucky Chinatown as it was already late when we left the place. It costs me a freaking $23 for that cab ride. But then, it's either money or time. And time won. It took me only 30 minutes to reach home for a usual 2 hours trip back home. So, I had spent $23 to save 1 1/2 hours of my time, which is actually easily recovered in that 1 1/2 hours with my internet business. So, it's hardly a pinch on my wallet. *shrugs*

~~I miss Malaysia.~~

Happy Birthday!! 01-12-2008

2008-12-01T20:46:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you!! Happy 24th birthday, my dear Chun Ming!!

2008-11-26T15:25:00.001+08:00

[I miss the yesterdays.. pure & simple.. Days of today.. Nothing to say]

A mistake made today is a scar for life...

Something Funny 24-11-2008 1250 hrs

2008-11-24T12:41:00.000+08:00

Haha.. JS, our intern had a mini orgasm today when he was manning the phone. Hehe.. as said by the person who called, apparantly JS had said, "Good.. *panting* afternoon.. (Company's Name)" It was the joke of the day, and was he embarrassed? I doubt so. Lol, with that thick skin of his, he would be loving it, right? Heex.

Home Alone

2008-11-23T17:44:00.000+08:00

These past few days I have been staying at home.. like a loser. Didn't feel like going out or doing anything. Weekends at home sleeping and just sleeping. *Faints* But, you can't blame me, the weather is just so nice, and when the weather is nice, I am lazy.

~~Well, some people are not who they seem to be. Tootz. Time to move on.~~

Sigh~ 20-11-2008 1545hrs

2008-11-20T15:40:00.000+08:00

*Sigh* Just when I thought that I have cleared all my work, another piles up. It's a never ending chore. When will it ever ends?

Now, taking a short break from work before starting on my workload again. Work has been piling up again just when I had cleared one whole stack of documents yesterday. Complaints is still a steadyflow inwards, and the outflow is never equals to the inflow. *Shakes head* When will this ever end?

I doubt that the complaints from investors will ever slow down to a trickle, or even stop, especially now with the economic downturn and the market volatility. Investors have lost between 30%-100% of their portfolio, and us being just humans will want our losses back. And so, they will do whatever it takes and concoct out whatever story they could make up just to reclaim back their losses.

When will people ever learn to accept the consequences of their own actions and greed? I have not seen so much complaints before in my 1 year plus of working in this company, and especially not when the economic was on a upturn, and everybody was making money. However, did these investors turn around and write in to the authorities to praise their agents, and offer their agents a cut of their profits?

The answer is a resounding NO!

But, when trouble comes and the market goes into a slump, and when every investor starts making losses on their portfolios, they then turn around and lodged their complaints here and there implying that their agents had misrepresented the products to them and had mis-sell the products. Majority of the complainants are just concerned about their investment portfolio and are demanding compensation from their agents.

So, this is the ugly side of human nature. It really makes me think twice about joining the financial industry. The money is good only in good times, but horrible in bad times. So, to anybody out there who think that by working in a financial line will earn you big bucks, think again! It can also cause you to be faced with a possibility of a jail term through fault of yours. Would you still want to join this type of industry?

Don't get me wrong. I too, has made a loss in my 3 investment portfolios, but do I blame anybody for the choices that I had made with my finances and life? It's just lucky for me that I was not greedy for profits and had pulled my investments out of the market way before the crash of Lehman Brothers, accepting the loss of about $200. If I was greedy at that point of time and chose to hang on to my investment just because I didn't want to accept that loss, I can just only imagine how much more losses I would have incurred now.

So, this economic downturn is a lesson in itself to be learnt that greed is never a good thing. We should just be contended with what we have, and not risk what we have for better things if one could not accept the risks that comes with it.

~~It's time to let go, let live and move on. The investment market is not what it was 1 year back.~~

In Doubt 17-11-2008 01:43AM

2008-11-17T01:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I will be in doubt. Sometimes, I will stop and think if both of us are suitable for each other. Sometimes, I just wish for it to end. Sometimes, I hope that things will change for the better.

We had a huge argument once again. I really don't know what he wants. When I talk and share my ideas to him, he says my thinking is too complicated, when I don't share with him things, he will ask me if I am getting tired of him. What is this? Then what does he want me to do? Either way to him, he is always right and I am always wrong.

This is an unhealthy relationship to be in, with him always thinking that he is right, leaving me no room to express my ideas and thoughts. There is zero communication between the both of us, and he is the one who just can't be bothered.

~~God damm it! I'm tired..~~

JB.. Here I Come! 15-11-2008

2008-11-15T23:00:00.000+08:00

It's JB trip for me today! Though I have to wake up at an ungodly hour just to go there, I am happy!

My mother's friend agreed to drive me into JB today, which means that I would be able to complete the tasks that I wanted to do about 1 week ago (to apply for the internet pin for my Public Bank account). I was awaken by my mother at 6.30am (gosh~ that is an ungodly hour to be waking up! Does anyone wake up at that hour willingly?) to prepare myself.

Upon reaching the causeway, I was a bit apprehensive about the journey into JB as at that early time, the lane for cars was already jammed and the queue snaked about 1/2 hour away from the causeway! It seems to make so much sense to be taking the public buses into JB instead of driving in as the bus lane was totally empty! Anyway, by 8am, we were in JB and were on the way to order breakfast.

The breakfast set over in Malaysia is much cheaper and more delicious than the one sold in Singapore. I am not sure whether or not it is my imagination or is it due to the fact that their kaya is home made, whereas ours is processed by machineries. Hmm.. it's food for thought though. Something for me to think about when there is nothing for me to do.

By 9am, I was at the bank applying for my internet pin, and once that is done, we were on the way out of JB. A bit stupid to be going into JB and wasting petrol just to do these minute stuff right? That is exactly what I was thinking! But what could I do? The malls open only at 10.30am and I could not be waiting for 1 1/2 hours just for the malls to open, and so, I had to follow the driver when he decides to rush back to Singapore after just 1 hour in JB.

It's okay for me because I know that I can go into Malaysia anytime I want. It is just a matter of fact whether or not that is what I really want to do on that day. Oh well~ But at least, I managed to finish the important things. Shopping can always wait. *Smiles*

Upon reaching home, I was so tired that I just fell asleep for the entire day and woke up only at 11pm. That is like a total of 14 hours of undisturbed sleep for the entire day! Could anybody sleep that long without any adverse effect on the human body? I simply do not care. All I know is that I had my long awaited rest. And that is good enough for me.

~~Well, peace out.~~

Late for Work Again! 14-11-2008

2008-11-14T11:15:00.000+08:00

Ahhh!! Late for work again! This time round, I woke up at 10am, so naturally, I was pretty late to work and had to rush down to Chinatown via a taxi. Gosh~ it costs me a freaking $16 when I am already so tight with my finances. =(

The morning investigation interview with one our adviser with regards to the mini bond situation (Lehman Brothers) was postponed from 10am to 2.30pm. One reason is that our investigating officer (Head of Compliance) had to accompany his wife to the hospital to collect his wife's test results. That is a relief for me too, because I do not have to face him at work and try to explain why I had overslept today. *phew*

The interview went quite smoothly for this adviser as it was not her first time recording such a statement. It is like the fourth complaint that was lodged against her, and as such, she is pretty seasoned in preparing for the statement. I am glad that she had came well prepared with a draft statement, and so there is only slight amendments to be done.

I had roasted chicken for lunch today! The ready made chicken is quite worth it as you only need to pay $7 for a whole roasted chicken which would probably last me for four whole days, so in actual fact, it is around $1+ per day for both lunch and dinner. The plus side to buying this chicken? There is no need to cook, marinate and wash up after that! *Smiles*

After work, there was nothing for me to do, so I took the bus home once again. The only difference is that I am alone, as JS has to go off to meet his friends for her birthday celebration. It was a pretty good 1 hour of undisturbed sleep for me all the way home. That is what I love about taking the bus home instead of the MRT. There are also others factors involved for me loving the bus so much:

I don't have to stand, as opposed to taking the MRT;
The time need to reach home is the same for me be it the bus or the MRT;
I don't have to change transport 3 times in order to reach home. It's a direct route to my house;
I can sleep throughout the entire journey;
It is cheaper than taking the MRT by $1.

Sounds good? It's only feasible for those who have to change buses or MRT stations on their way home. If one is staying near the MRT station as in the case for both Chin Chin and Benjamin, then there is not much difference in the savings and time. Tough luck then.

Poem that Touches the Soul

2008-11-14T01:20:00.000+08:00

Thought of sharing this poem that my online friend had written. This poem had been nominated as the poem of the year in 2007. Read through it and you will see why..

Noise of War - Welbert Senina

It is louder than rock music
A maximum volume of component
If i can hear it always
It can make me peaceless

Where is the silence?
You know what i mean
Where is the silence?
You know what i mean
A silence, a silence
For mind, for life, and for the world

I need a chirp of birds
I need a soft wave of trees
I need a flows of the river
We need a fulfillment
In our time simply a silence,

A silence for peace
Where is the silence?
We're looking, so noisy outside
No ending...

2007 friendster.com
www.profiles.friendster.com/welbertsenina

Yes, it is about war. Read and understand!

So What 13-11-2008

2008-11-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

He burnt her letters and asked her not to ever contact him again. So what?

In the past, I would have asked him questions about him and her. But, it was all to drive a point across that how he treat her last time was what all love is about. But he did not get my point. Instead, in his mind, he keeps thinking that him keeping in contact with her is what is disturbing me. In actual fact, it is not. Why can't he get what I am trying to say into his mind?

Don't you think that this action of yours came a bit too late?

Furthermore, he asked me not to keep in contact with her anymore. Why must I not keep in contact with her? I don't understand. She is one of my close friends in Malaysia. Why should I not keep in contact with her just because. I don't even have a faintest idea why he did all that he did to her.

Well, time will reveal.

Unfairness 13-11-2008

2008-11-13T11:49:00.000+08:00

In life, there is nothing fair. And that is something I must live with.

I dislike my job, the company that I am working in, the ridiculously low pay that I am drawing for my job, and I hate my department. I miss Choon Seng, who is always fair and partial in the way he handles things. One classic example would be that in the past, my colleague would always eat breakfast and only start work at 9.40am, and on my side, I will be late in reporting for work at around 9.15am.

To the other bosses, I am considered late, but my colleague is early as she would be in the office at 8.45am. But, to my department head who is fair and partial, he see it as my colleague is later than me as she reports for work at 9.40am though she is physically in the office at 8.45am. Isn't he fair?

But my current department head is not like that. To him, he do what he deems fit and he show preferred treatment to the one he prefers. Life's never fair, and I will have to learn to live with it. Peace out.

My Philosophy in Life 12-11-2008

2008-11-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

I was reading through some of my postings in a forum that I am very active in, and I just thought that I would like to share with you guys this:

"Our lives should not be like the undirected bull pulling the cart blindly. That is not what life should be. When that happens, we would feel 'lost' and would feel that life has no feeling in it. No matter what happens, life is always beautiful, it is just up to us on how we see it to be and what we want out of life." -Angelia Ng 2008

Hopefully, this would give all of you 'lost' souls out there something to reflect on, and not to feel so pessimistic about what we call as 'life'. Take care everyone!

Hehe.. Profits After 13 Days! Just Got Paid!

2008-11-12T00:56:00.003+08:00

As some of you know, I have been dabbling into some autosurf programmes early this month on 1st November 2008. The good news is that I have just been paid by two programmes!!

#1 8DailyForever (13% for 13 days surfing 13 websites daily)
Invested    : $13 on 30th October 2008
Paid          : $21.75 on 11th November 2008
Profits    : $8.75

#2 Megalido (12% for 12 days surfing 12 websites daily)

Invested    : $6 on 28th October 2008
Paid          : $8.64 on 10th November 2008
Profits    : $2.64

Total Profits after 12 days is $11.39 for an initial investment of $19.
Better interest than putting it in a bank. Interest of $11.39 on $19 after 12~13 days. And it's all straight into my alertpay!!

Payment Proof (Click to enlarge)

Interested? Click on the links for each of the programme to view. Take care!

Back to Work 11-11-2008

2008-11-11T21:49:00.003+08:00

The blunders one will do when one is tired..Monday blues on a Tuesday morning..

It's my first day back to work after the long weekend that I have. And I am still in the holiday mood. Fell asleep at 5.30am and woke up at 7.30am, a grand total of 2 hours of rest for the battle ahead at work today! Is it sufficient enough? Lol, well I paid for it halfway into my work.

It is the 11th of November 2008 today, but when updating the forms for new applications, I ended up feeling 11-08-2008 and then changed the date into 11-10-2008 and I keep thinking that I was right in writing that date! It was only much later in the late evening that I realised that I had filled in the wrong dates and have to redo the entire forms all over again. This is the result of having not enough sleep. *Blush*

But, I am pretty satisfied at my work performance today. Though operating on less than sufficient sleep, I was able to complete all the tasks that was assigned to me today by Dean (our Deputy CEO) and at the same time, finish up my own work and cover Chin Chin's work fully! So, not so bad over there.

My boss thought that we had stayed in till 6.15pm before going off work, but in actual fact, we left at exactly 6pm. Reason being, we had tuned the wall clock to be 15 minutes faster than its actual time. This is a smart idea as I realised that majority of the time, we are leaving our office at around 6.30pm and we are not getting compensated for that extra over time that we are doing everyday. So, it kind of makes sense to tune the clock faster by 15 minutes and leave exactly at 6pm, though I know that there will some people out there who will disagree with me.

I had durian pancakes after work, and it's way delicious! The many days of craving for that treat is finally fulfilled today, and JS is saying that I crave for the orgasm that I get after eating that pancake. Pengz, wherever he got such a lame sentence from, I also do not know. *Tsk Tsk*

The bus journey back home today was smooth and there was not much traffic along the way, so I reached home at exactly 8pm! Would be earlier if we had not missed the earlier bus that came while we are waiting for our pancakes! But then, the craving to satisfy my taste bud is worth the wait!

Disappointed 10-11-2008

2008-11-10T22:05:00.000+08:00

It is my annual leave today, and I am stuck in Singapore.

I was wondering for the entire day if I have done the right thing by taking my leave on a weekday with nothing to do, and still spending in Singapore. I was a bit disappointed by the fact that I did not managed to go into JB today, as the reason why I took leave on a weekday was to go into Malaysia for shopping.

Well, in the end, I did not. So, instead of spending RM$20, I spent a total of $32 Singapore dollars. Big difference. Oh well, what is done is done, and it's my choice to stay in Singapore. I spent the entire day at Tampines Central coffee shop catching up with Benjamin, and drinking Teh O Bing (Iced Tea) for a total of 6 hours. Not to say that I am bored, in fact I did enjoy the conversation that I had with Benjamin. It is just that I feel my heart pain for the money that I would have saved, which would have come up to around $21.

So, that is how my day went during my off day in Singapore. Boring!? Well, that is Singapore's life for you.

Home Alone 09-11-2008

2008-11-09T16:22:00.006+08:00

Home alone and broke on a Sunday of November 2008. How pathetic can one life be?

Oh well, there is nothing new to this. Actually, I do kind of enjoy being alone at home once in a while, free to do my own stuff, and tidy up my thoughts and room. It seems that I get things done faster when I am alone than around with people.

I was actually thinking of going to JB today, and it seems like a good idea too. However, it was raining when I woke up late morning, and I kind of postpone the plan, to the extent that when it had finally stopped raining, it was around 3pm, kind of late to be going off into Malaysia. So, now I am stuck with nowhere to go, and nothing to do. Even my plans of going to the library is foiled as it closes at 2pm on a Sunday.

I guess I would have to clear up my stuff on the internet, get my forum going once again, and of course revamp my blog about making money online. That would be what I want to achieve today! JB can wait till tomorrow too as I am on annual leave tomorrow. It all kind of fits, doesn't it? Of course, it sounds so good in writing, but whether or not my plans can be carried out smoothly is another issue. I would have to wait and see how it goes tomorrow.

Right now, I am down to my last $39 in my bank, and I can't order my customer's goods on Amway as my orders is below $150, I would be charged the $10 delivery charge, so my total invoice would come up to be $41. So, the next best thing I did was to order just one of my customer's order and leave the other one alone. And I had placed the order for that. So, my plan is when I receive the cash from my first customer (it would be a loss, as the total profits for her order adds up to be around $4 only), I would then place the order for my 2nd customer and have it delivered or something. No doubt this time round, i am making a $10 loss per order, it is still much better to have the customer's trust in me than anything else. =(

Saturday 08-11-2008
Met up with my cousins yesterday at Clarke Quay, Fisherman's Wharf. Gosh~ It had been such a long time since I last saw them, and there have been dramatic changes in their appearances. The most noticeable one is that they have slimmed down drastically, especially my youngest cousin - Valenssa. Seems like gym workouts are working very well for them. But it is a hefty price to be paying for one's beauty. $140 per month going for the use of gym's equipments and facilities does not seem worth it to me, as I believe that if one really do want to exercise, everywhere would be a fitness corner for them. It is all a matter of perseverance and determination, isn't it?

The food at Fisherman Wharf has increased in their price for their set lunch, from $6.90 per set to $10.50 per set. And, it is not like the food is great, in fact, it had deteriorated in their quality. Will I step back there to indulge myself again? The answer would be no. I would really use the money, go into JB and indulge myself in a good Western meal there for something that is even lesser than that price when converted back into Singapore dollars.

After which, we went to the Central (which was just opposite Fisherman Wharf) to do some window shopping, and in the process we ended up at the Japanese supermarket over in the Central. It is a heaven for people who loves snacks, especially chocolates and cookies! There is so much varieties there that it is just simply eye candy for those who loves snacking! And, all of the food there are directly imported in from Japan, so the quality of the snacks are ensured. But, warning! Their food is simply so expensive! A small can of green tea powder which would have cost like $2 in our local supermarkets costs $10 over in this supermarket. However, I would have to say that it is all worth it.

I could not resist the temptation and in the end, gave in to my temptation and bought for myself 4 packets of chocolates which set me back by $10. But, I don't feel the pinch as the chocolates are simply just delicious!

These are the chocolates that I bought.

The Japanese groceries corner

Fruit chocolates - Peach, Mango and Strawberry

Green Tea powder that cost a freaking $10!

Shelves and shelves of food and drinks

We have to salute the Japanese for their ingeniousity and their creativity. All of their food and drinks packaging was so unique and eye-attracting that many times in the shop, I was very tempted to just cave in to my temptations and purchase the drinks and food just because of their beautiful packaging. But, luckily for me, the shop only accept cash payments, and I do not have so much cash on me. As such, I did not. But, one things that is for sure, once I receive my paycheck for November, I will be back again. Afterall, my workplace is just 1 bus stop away from the Central!

Weird.. 07-11-2008

2008-11-07T23:54:00.000+08:00

Everything's spinning around me. It just seems like the Earth around me just could not keep still. One moment it's spinning, and the next moment, its bobbing up and down like a ship on the sea. Weird. What is going on with my body?

My day started out innocently fine this morning, with me going to work and more work! (What a great way to start off a day huh?) Lunch was my favourite dish of all time - oyster omelette! The fried oysters could not get any better than what you could get from Chinatown. Everyone should try it at least once in their lives, if not it's a great miss of their lives.

JS and I literally went crazy over at People's Park and we were buying food as and when we feel like it. It seems like we are buying food not just for 3 people, but rather, for 10 people! It's just a pity that the durian pancake stall was not open at that time. And I was longing for it and craving for it since last night when I first sank my teeth into one of those! The fragrance and the generous helping of durian is the guilty party to my indulgence. I must have that once again when I am back to work on Tuesday!

We bought our lunch - 1 main dish for each person, and then along the way bought portugese egg tarts, sausages, curry puffs and 'soon kueh'. Is that crazy or what? And serve me right for being greedy. Because I could not finish the food at all and have to bring them back home for dinner!

During lunch, all of us played a really dumb game that was dubbed the most scariest game online - hotel626. It is supposedly a scary and spooky interactive game whereby you start off the level as an occupant of the hotel, waking up to investigate some noises heard in the middle of the night. What happened next is a series of 10 very scary moment, with you falling off stairs, meeting baby ghost and so on.. If you want to play the game, just a reminder, the hotel is only open from 6pm to 6am daily. Be sure to check your CPU clock! My advice is? Stay away! It's just a dumb game and not scary at all.

I was a little disappointed today as we had actually agreed to take the bus home together, and along the way we could buy my durian pancake! But as fate intervenes, there was just too many incomplete work waiting to be done, and by the time I had finished my workload and delegate the outstanding work to JS, it was late. And the best thing is? I have an appointment at Simei at 7pm and I left Chinatown at 7pm, nevertheless, I was late for my appointment.

Luckily, she seems to be an easy going kind of lady and did not seem angry at all. Well, I would be considering what was mentioned in that meeting, and decide on what I want after a period of intensive research and comparison.

~~Well peace out. I got to go and lie down and rest my poor head. Damn the never still Earth. Or is that my head spinning or is the world spinning?~~

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2008-11-07T00:47:00.001+08:00

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Musings 06-11-2008

2008-11-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

It's a shitty world out there. And I can't fight it all alone. Can I just drop dead and die? Can I just lie down to sleep and never wake up? I'm tired.. so tired.. and deluded with all that is happening around me. Life.. happiness..wealth.. are they all intertwined? Or is this what society make it all out to be?

So Tired Today 06-11-2008

2008-11-06T22:49:00.000+08:00

I still do not know why I am so tired nowadays. It must be the fact that I have been waking up early every single day so that I no longer have to take a cab to work. It's been a long time since I have taken a cab even to the interchange to take the MRT. The reason why i am so willing to wait for half an hour for the bus is because of the books that I have borrowed from the library is keeping me entertained during the wait!

Today, on the way back together with JS on bus 12, I just felt so tired to the extent whereby I do not know what I was talking, and what I was hearing. Everything seems so slow and muffled around me, and my eyelids grew so heavy that I fell asleep halfway through the journey. It's a miracle that I did not slept through the journey all the way to Pasir Ris! Thank goodness for the guy who accidentally kicked me, and woke me up! It's a blessing in disguise in fact!

The mental stress is taking its toll on me. Even my boyfriend is coming down hard on me. He misunderstood everything that I have done, and is now saying that I will never adapt to the simple lifestyle that he is living now. Is his lifestyle simpler than mine? Is he really sure of what he is saying? He has a car, 2 motorcycles and 1 landed property under his name. Furthermore, he has the love and support from his family, friends and his boss all surrounding him. What do I have? Zilnch! And he is saying that I can't adapt to his 'simple' life in Malaysia!? He is living what I would call a luxurious life, from a Singaporean point of view.

I do not have any assets under my name, I do not have a single penny under my name, and I sure do not have the support and love from the people around me, not even my boyfriend! Why is he so selfish? Sometimes, it just feels like I am fighting this battle all by myself. Even when I am losing the battle, my mother and boyfriend added more flames to it such that it becomes so much impossible to win it. I just feel like giving up everything and escape from this family, like my brother, escape to a place where all these problems no longer exist. Escape to a place where only the sea, my books, my computer will face me, and no one else. That's my ideal life.

Why do I want a mother like that? Why do I want a boyfriend who is like that? Both of them are just selfish! Selfish to the extent where they just care about themselves and never spare a thought for others. Can I be as selfish as them? Do I want to?

Pissed Off Early in the Morning 06-11-2008

2008-11-06T09:20:00.000+08:00

Early in the morning, my mum approached me and wanted to borrow from me $1000. I was super irritated when I refused to lend her, and she started to scold saying why am I so stingy, especially to my own mother. What the hell? I am earning only $1200 in a month, and she wanted to borrow $1000 from me? Have she thought of me or not?

I was right when I told my friends just last month that after she had wiped out my brother's savings of close to $3000, she would turn to me and try to borrow from me. And she proved me right. My brother is able to lend the money to her as before he went to army to work, he was drawing a monthly salary of $4000, but how could I lend the cash to her when I earned only $1200 per month?

It's ridiculous! Besides the point about my low income, it's also a true fact that money once loaned to her will never come back again. She will 'borrow' the money, but she will never return. Even the money that I owed my brother ($400), I give it to her to return to my brother, but in the end she used the cash and did not give it to my brother back. And my brother came to question me and is forcing me to return him his money when I had already returned.

And besides that, she is still oweing me SGD$150 and RM$380, and she had not paid me back and still wants to borrow from me another $1000!! So, what am I supposed to survive on? Air? And am I supposed to walk to work from Tampines to Chinatown just to loan her that cash? Imagine this! My transport per month already takes up $200, my phone bill another $200, groceries about $300 and household products is about $350. That already comes up to $1050, and I am left with $150 to survive for the entire month. So, tell me, how am I supposed to cough up $1000 to give to her.

I believe that even if I am able to cough up the money to loan her, it will be a repeat cycle with her coming up with a bigger amount of money to loan each time, like with my brother. First, she 'borrowed' $300, then slowly, $1000, then finally when my brother is in the army, she borrowed from him $3000 (all within a span of 1 month). And she has not paid back a single cent to him! For me too, she borrowed RM$100 from me initially, then RM$250, then SGD$100 and then finally SGD$50 (alll within a span of 1 month too), and just about 7 days from when she loan from me $150, she is asking another SGD$1000 from me, and on top of that is also asking me for RM$500. What the hell does she want?

When I told her I could not loan the money to her, she told me to go and borrow from my friends the $1000 for her, and she will pay them back $200 per month (yeah right! She has no job, no income, how is she going to pay back?). So, she is willing to let me go into deep debts just because she wants the money (for what? I also do not know).

I always wonder where did all the money that my mum loaned from us go to. It's not like she needs to pay for a lot of things and she is like spending close to $10,000 per month? It's a bit incredible! I find it a bit strange as my brother is the one paying for the internet and landline phone bill, and I am paying for all the groceries and household products. So, what is my mum exactly spending on? She does not goes out, and only needs to pay for the electricity bill. And I am very sure that our electricity bill does not hit $10,000 per month!

Feeling Sleepy 05-11-2008

2008-11-05T15:49:00.003+08:00

I'm in office blogging away, not because I do not have work to do, but it's because I don't feel like working at all!

It may sounds like I am so irresponsible and lazy, but it is not. All those who have worked with me before knows my style of working, and I can be irresponsible but I am never lazy. But somehow or rather, for these past few weeks, I just don't feel like working. Maybe it is because I do not like the feeling of being manipulated by others, maybe it is because I want to move on, but unable to because of some financial situation. Whatever the reason is, there is absolutely no motivation in my heart to work.

The entire office is so quiet and cold with just me and the intern JS working. The rest of the staff are out for the monthly training which runs for half a day. This also meant to say that since all the advisers are also out for the training, there would be nobody calling the office and this also goes to say that there is nothing for us to do, except for the backlog of work.

I do have piles of work waiting for me to complete, and I will complete them by today. But not right away. I will just have to think and see how best I could juggle my time such that I would be able to complete 4 reports by today as well as to address the complaints that had just came in from the client.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I had found this money making programme on the internet some days ago! And just today, I had broke even with my investment! There is another 6 more days to go before the coupon that I invested in will expire, and payment will come into my Alertpay 24hours after the expiry of the coupon. I just can't wait for that to happen!

Seeing the success rate of how fast the payment comes, I had bought another two more units of coupons causing me a total of another USD$30 which will expire 1 week after my current one. Hehe, if this programme can work out well, I think I will finally have an online opportunity that does pay and does make money fast! *Crossing my fingers* I will find out if it's real or not on 11th November 2008. That is the date my money is supposed to come in. =D

~~Well, ciao for now! I will have to start on my report now before my boss comes back! Till next time!~~

Updates
Took a bus back home, and I must say that the bus journey back home is roughly around the time I take on the MRT. Was at home at 8pm, which is quite early in my diary. I did quite enjoy myself just relaxing at home, watching the TV as well as surfing the internet.

When I got hungry, I went to cook fried rice with whatever leftover uncooked food in my refridgerator, and this fried rice constitutes my dinner for today as well as my lunch for tomorrow. It's a bit of a challenge for me as I have never cooked fried rice before, and the taste in the end is a bit strange. I have got a mouthful of supersalty rice, and the other mouthful was totally tasteless! It seems like I had forgotten to make the rice even. Lol. Now, I will just have to wait for the critics to give me their opinions about the dish tomorrow.

I do not know why, but I am super tired today, and even when two of my friends called and asked me out in the middle of the night, I rejected their invitation and just rest at home. It is the first time I am doing that, so I guess I must be super tired, and the reason for the tiredness is unknown to me.

~~Tired...~~

So Full 04-11-2008

2008-11-04T13:29:00.002+08:00

Lunch
It's just after lunch and I am so full to the extent which I feel like vomitting. I had cooked for lunch today and packet the food to the office, but I think that I must have cooked too much food for today. Today's lunch looks so colourful with the yellow and white of the fried egg, the red of the crab meat, the brown of the fried chicken, the black of the mushrooms, and the cream colour of stir fried chicken. Isn't it just colourful?

It's a bit gross though because I had forgotten to take a picture of it until I am halfway through.

I'm a relatively small eater, so even that little potion of food with so much ingredients is a bit too much for me, and up to now, half an hour after I am done eating, I am still feeling quesy. Oh Gosh!

Dinner

Had my dinner at this new shop (well, it's not that new =D) in Simei. It's called 'Punggol Nasi Lemak House', and I happened to think that that it is way over rated. Any other Muslim foodstall in a normal coffeeshop's food would have tasted better and much cheaper than the food sold here! This is my dinner:

Looks good doesn't it?

My dinner of sausage, curry chicken and assam stingray.

That's what I thought too initially! But upon, my first bite, my impression changes. They are definately NOT going to get a repeat customer out of me. The stingray is overcooked, and the entire fish is flaky and hard, the same goes for the curry chicken. It seems like they were cooked over a high flame, and like all protein food, the strands coagulate and becomes tough. The only redeeming part to this meal was its sausages and the curry sauce. It's just so delicious. But then again, the cost of the dish is never going to be justified with just the taste of the sauce.

It costs me a freaking $7 just for this dish of 1 meat, 1 fish and 1 vegetable. It's not worth it, and I would have to give it two thumbs down. I'm the customer who would never come back again. Well, maybe just for the drinks. Their drinks are dirt cheap at $0.80-$1.20 for their icy homemade drinks.

I had too much to eat for today, and after this hefty dinner, I felt like I would want to throw up again. It's just that I forgot that I had already taken a very heavy lunch, and then I follow that heavy lunch with a heavy dinner. Am I being dumb or what? *Smacks head*

Financial Cashflow
Just some days ago (was it about 1 or 2 days back), I had officially announced that I was officially broke with just $0.70 in my bank and no cash on me. Well, the good news is out now! I am declaring myself officially unbroke. Lol. Somehow or rather, it's weird but then I would just have to say that I am super lucky.

Just when I am down to my last $0.70, money just flowed into my account 2 days later. Nigel had paid me $70 out of the $350 that he owed me. Thank goodness! And to top it off, my student's mum called me during my office hours and asked me if I would like her to pay me for the 4 lessons that I taught her daughter before letting her go on a break till December 2008, or would I prefer for her to hold on to that cash and pay me off at 1 shot when lessons resume in December 2008.

Being the nice person that I am (now, don't you roll your eyes), I just left the decision to the mum to make. In the end, she decided to pay me the balance first and recount the lessons when lessons resume in December. So I had another $100 which was transfered to me. Thank goodness!

My Student
And my student's results are out. Initially, when her mum called me, I had thought that she wanted to terminate my services. But then, that was not the case. Instead, she wanted me to continue on and teach her daughter for next year in 2009. (Details will be discussed during the first week of December) as her daughter had improved in her results again.

Cassandra had improved from her mid-year to a 75% average for all 3 subjects - English, Maths and Science. Her mum is very pleased with the results, though I would not have said the same for my expectations for her. I happen to think that she is a very smart girl and is much more capable of achieving higher grades than this provided that she wants to. Anyway, since the mum is happy, I would have to say to her, congratulations, and keep up the hard work!! I'm looking forward to tutoring her again when she is in P6 next year!

I could still remember that she is one of my successful student. Why would I say so is that when I started tutoring her last year in July when she was in P4, her grade average was at 50%, but after just 4 months of intensive tutoring, her grades then shot up to a high of 89% average. This was one of the success story that I feel very proud of. She had received an award for the biggest improvement in English ($200 cheque) from her school as her grades improved from 51% to 89% for her English.

Well done Cassandra!

Room Checked! 03-11-2008

2008-11-03T21:37:00.005+08:00

I was early for work for once! *Grins*

The thing that amazes me in the past still amazes me up to now. Chin Chin reached the office the same time as me though she left her house much later than me. Today, I woke up at a freaking hour of 0700hrs and was at the bus stop waiting for the bus at 0740hrs. However, the feeder bus only arrives about twenty minutes later at 0800hrs.

Gosh! I just hate public transport, especially where the waiting time for them is concerned. Could anyone imagine that just for travelling 6 bus stops within Tampines took me a grand total of 45 minutes! Sometimes, I just hate waiting for the feeder bus! It always takes me close to 1hr 45 mintues just to reach my workplace over at Chinatown, and this is without travelling to Pasir Ris and back again.

I really envy Chin Chin. Though she is staying in Simei and set off from her house much later than me at 0810hrs, and travels down to Pasir Ris first before travelling down to Chinatown, she still arrives at the same time as me today. That is something that she has the advantage over me. Sigh~

Anyway, there is not much things happening over at my workplace. And I pray that nothing will ever happen. I had just learnt from a few people that the fewer stuff mentioned in my blog about my workplace, the better it is. Why? Because, it might be a breach of confidentiality or slandering, and I might face a lawsuit should my company decides to sue even though what I had written is true. There is no such thing as free speech, and this is something that I must learn in the society.

There is something funny that happened after work. And it had made a joke out of me such that I felt so embarrased about it. *Blush* Well, what happened was that I had alighted at Simei after work to go home. In the process, I thought I might as well buy some groceries from the NTUC in Eastpoint. I was queuing at the OCBC ATM machine to withdraw the cash that I need for my grocery shopping, only to discover that I had not brought my ATM card out!

Talk about embarrasment! Luckily for me, I had not proceeded on to NTUC and pick up all the groceries only to find out that I have no ATM card to pay for my purchases over at the cashier. I guess I will have to see the positive and funny side of this situation.

At Home
My room is finally done, well at least about 80% of it. It should be ready by the end of this week, maybe on a Saturday. The furniture has been rearranged, the surfaces all wiped down. You would be amazed at the amount of dirt a dormant furniture that had been left untouched for 1-2 months could collect. I threw away around 2 big bags of cloths with dirt. Eeks, and I am someone who hates touching dust. It's time I should pamper myself for doing the housework for once. And someone in my family would be striking 4D soon.

The big cleanup of my room took me around 3 hours plus, and I ended up sleeping at 0300hrs. But, I must say that I am very satisfied at the outcome of my struggle with the heavy furnitures and books. It's more like a feeling of 'FINALLY'! And so, I went to bed with a big smile on my face. (Pictures will be uploaded when it's 100% done)

Dinner for tonight is fried mee sua! It looks disgusting, but trust me, it's delicious! Never judge a book by its cover. A nice cover does not constitute to a good story, similarly, a boring cover does not constitute to a boring story. Similarly, a dull looking dish of food does not mean that it tastes like it looks!

It's fried with pieces of chicken, crab meat and shiitake mushroom, mixed in with various sauce. The resulting dish tastes sweet, salty, and it is fragrant with the smell of the mushrooms and the sweetness of the crab meat. I would give it 4 stars out of 5. Are you drooling yet? Hehe.. here goes:

Well, that is it for my day today! I am so not looking forward to going to work tomorrow, but I would still have to. All the stuff about responsibility and taking ownership of my life. About the internet seminar, I am still considering whether or not to go for it tomorrow. No doubt that it is after work and it is something that interest me, but the location for the seminar is a bit out of the way (Serangoon Gardens). I guess I would just have to sleep on it and decide tomorrow itself.

To my friend:

My advice is that she is just playing a game with you. One moment, she is blowing hot, and the next being cold. Do you really think that she loves you, or that she is just fooling around? I don't know. But one thing I know is that never beg a girl, a respect lost is a respect that can never be gained back again. Think about it.

She just want to push you to your limits and see how you react. Right now, like what I told you last night, she is pushing and playing with your emotions like a yo-yo, and I can guess that what she wants right now is for you to go up to her and beg her like a man without any pride. Maybe tears might help?

That girl is not mature enough to be handling any relationships, nor is she mature enough to know what is love all about. A relationship with no communication and with game playing is a relationship that is doomed from the start. The behavious of the girl is what any teenage girl at age 13-16 might do, but not a girl of age 22 years old. That is scary.

Are you really sure that she is the one for you? How long can you tolerate this behaviour? No matter what, always remember that self-respect and self-worth is more precious than anyone else.

Take care!!

Home Jailed For an Entire Day 02-11-2008

2008-11-02T21:00:00.002+08:00

I had actually woke up at 0932hrs all by myself today, with no alarm clocks ringing in the background! And this is when I had just slept at 0530hrs, which makes it a grand total of 4 hrs and 2 minutes of sleep. Hmm.. Not possible? I could not believe my eyes either when I saw that it was just nine in the morning, and the weird thing is I couldn't fall asleep after that! Well, hopefully, my body would hold on to that and wake up after 4 hours of sleep tomorrow - being a working day ::Grins::

It seemed like I am home jailed for the entire day! Can anyone believe that I am home at home for the entire day ever since I woke up to present time at 1010hrs!? Well, I just could not believe it. It is my first time in 10 years that I had spent my entire day at home, and on a Sunday at that! Sundays are the most boring in Singapore as there is no interesting programmes on the television and I spent the entire day entertaining myself online, catching up on the many stuff that I had left untouched for the month of October 2008.

Money Matters
Perhapes it had something to do with the fact that I am down to my last $10 in my bank. My financial status is out for this month and that is, I am officially broke for this month! And when I am broke, I just do not feel like going out at all. Luckily for me, I have paid off all my bills as well as topped up my eZlink card to the maximum for transportation. So, that is not so much of a problem. The only problem for me is how to survive on $10 for the rest of the month for just food.

I cross my fingers that my friends would keep to their words and pay me back what they owe me on the 10th of this month. If not, I am officially screwed. Money due to me for this month would be:

1. $120 from Nigel on 10th November 2008 (Pending $350)
2. $200 from my student on 12th November 2008 (Tuition Fees)
3. $150 from my mum (of what she owes me)

If everybody pays me on time, I would be very comfortable for this month, isn't it. However, as I had learnt from past lessons, where money is concerned, payment from friends are usually delayed, so I will not pin too much hope on those. If it comes, good for me. If not, then well, tough luck then, I had trusted the wrong people with my money. Oh well~ that's just life.

Because of my cashflow problems, I am seriously thinking of giving up on Amway and just concentrate all my efforts on my internet business. As of now, I have not made any decisions as yet. However, if my membership in Amway expires on 13th November 2008, and till that time I still do not have the cash to renew my membership, I will just have to let it go. Now, it is all up to fate whether or not my upline's boyfriend will pay me back on time.

MLM Vs Internet Business
Another factor that I am actually considering my options for Amway is that after 1 year of being in it, I still do not see any income inflow at all, in fact, I am making losses of about $400 per month. But, for my internet business, my investments are low, and it's a true fact that money is coming in each month after just a one time off investment. So, I am quite confused. But as I had mentioned, I will leave it all to fate then.

Actually, coming to think of it, being confined at home for the entire day is not such a bad thing at all. In the past, I was just too busy and there is not enough hours in a day for me to do the things that I really want to do. Instead, I am busy helping others in their problems to the extent whereby I had neglected my own stuff. Now, when everything is going on well for everyone else, I am all but forgotten and no longer do I have appointments for me to go out any longer.

Feelings on Being Home Jailed
In the past, I used to think that it will be a disaster if I do not have at least one friend asking me out, but now, I think I do actually like the feeling of being alone. At the very least, I had finished out the goals that I had set out for myself, and my internet business is back on track once again, with me having more time to monitor the internet market. Not such a big deal at all as I see my passive income increasing! =D

The only thing left for me to do that I have not done yet is to:

1. Revamp my money making blog (http://clix4pay.blogspot.com/)
2. Revamp my room!

These two outstanding matters would be done by the end of this week by 10th November (which happens to be my off day!).

Homecooked Dinner!
I have cooked dinner once again! This time round, it's a new recipe that was coined by yours truely, created from uncooked leftover scraps:

Looks plain or does it look delicious? Well, it's all up to the viewer of the picture to decide. I think that it looks quite pretty and appetizing. But, of course that could be because I am the cook that I am praising the dish.

The dish is created by stir-frying chicken, mushrooms, and crab meat together in one pot. A beaten egg is stirred in slowly to give the sauce a thicker appearance as well as to give the entire dish its sweet, eggy taste. The end product is then seasoned with a dash of pepper, sesame oil, chicken and abalone sauce and a bit of salt to taste! It's very simple to make and it takes at most ten minutes of preparation time, and ten minutes of cooking time!

Actually, as I was cooking it, I was thinking that it will definately not turn out well as I have no idea what I was cooking at all. But, in the end, I was pleasantly surprised and I am,very pleased with the end result of the dish! Introducing the dish 'Tears of An Angel'. I will be bringing it to work tomorrow for my lunch and would also be bringing some for my colleague in my department. Hopefully, they would enjoy the dish as much as I did! ::Crossing my fingers::

It's time to go to bed! Maybe it's because I had woke up too early today, or that I had only slept for 4 hours, I am not too sure of what is going on, but I am feeling so sleepy now and it is only closing to eleven pm! Seems like there is a lot of first times for me today, and this includes going to bed early for once! Haha, oh well~ Till next time! Ciao!

~~Not Looking Forward to Work Tomorrow (Grimace)~~

Start to a New Month 01-11-2008

2008-11-01T23:05:00.001+08:00

It is the first day of the new month and this time round, it happens to fall on a weekend - a Saturday! Let us all welcome November 2008, and I wish to wish all our Western counterparts a very Happy Halloween to you!

It had been a very good start to the new month, and I am very happy overall! *See the big grin on my face* =D Well, but I must admit that I felt bad as I was late to my lunch appointment with Benjamin. Sorry Ben! Paiseh! I was supposed to meet up with him at 2pm today near the Tampines library, but guess what!? I woke up at 2.45pm (1445hrs)! So, naturally I was late and Benjamin ended up waiting for 1 1/2 hours for me! I was way mortified and was quite panicky when I left my house. But luckily for me, just when I went down to the bus stop, the bus arrived, so it kind of cut my waiting time by 30 minutes! Thank goodness!

Frankly, it had been such a long time since I had stepped into that coffeeshop again at Blk 503 Tampines. That coffeeshop had been part of my childhood, since I used to stay at Tampines Central before moving house. But somehow or rather, once I had graduated from school, I never have a reason to alight at the bus stop there and just take a walk or eat there. So, it kind of bring back a lot of fond memories over there.

The food is just as good as it was some 16 years back. Bravo to the hawkers who knows how to cook, and not set up a food stall just for the sake of doing so! I had chicken rice (Everybody must try it at least once, if you happen to be there! Trust me, it's still as delicious as before!) which had been there since I was born. It had that long of a history, so be sure to try it at least once! You won't regret it!

Both of us had a talk after lunch under the void deck of my old house - Blk 401 which was just opposite the Central. Benjamin shared with me his plans and on my part, I too shared with him my plans. The talk was ended when his wife called him saying that she is already at Eunos MRT station, and with that he had to rush off. If not, his wife would pull his ears hard. Haha. To think that both of them are still so loving after 10 years of marriage when all other marriages in the world are falling apart leading to divorce even as I am still typing now. But, I am very sure that any couple would be able to do what Ben and his wife have done so long as there is communication between them.

Not knowing what to do then, and yes I was very bored, I went to the library! It had been a long time since I had stepped into Tampines library and again, it brought back lots of memories for me, all the way back to my primary school days! Well, I would try to visit the library at least twice a week now, since I had taken the first step today into it! It had been close to 6 or 7 years since I had visited it, especially so when my library books were stolen 2 years back, and I have to pay for it.

So, just today I made the decision to clear off the stolen books fees ($95 in total) and then took advantage of the new promotion right now!! NLB is holding this read more promotion (I think!) and had increased our borrowing amount to 8 books at any one time and at an extended loan period of 21 days instead of the usual 14 days. So, I borrowed to the maximum of 8 books, and I had no place to put those books, and had to hug all 8 books and take the bus home! This is a lesson to learn by itself that we must always have an extra bag on our side so that we can use it when the need arises for it!

These are the 8 books I borrowed in 7 years time!

Once at home, I have this sudden craving for KFC! And I have no idea why. But, I had been thinking of eating KFC for ages now, and well I just made a call to KFC and placed my order for a Family Feast when there is only one of me eating. Needless to say, I then invited 4 of my friends to come over and have KFC with me, which only 1 of them took up the offer. Thanks Jian Nan!

The chicken of KFC is still as good as ever, and it is so juicy and tender and full of flavour. I wonder how did they marinate their chicken or cook them to enable them to taste so good! Anyway, I still have 4 pieces of chicken left over, and a whole box of chicken popcorn, which both of us can't finish! Well, they would just have to be my tomorrow's lunch and dinner, as well as Monday's one. Great way to save money as well as to satisfy one's hunger, right?

This is the box that holds 8 pieces of juicy and tender crispy chicken!

The side dishes that comes with the package - popcorn chicken, mash potatoes & coleslaw!

My share of 2 fried chicken - drumstick (my favourite part of a chicken) and a piece of thigh!

And I have a free travel bag from the promotion!

The bag after I have unfolded it. It's quite big and can hold up to 10kg worth of things as stipulated in it's guide book.

To fold it up, hook the zips on both sides of the bag together (the same as zipping up one's jacket!)

Front view of the bag semi-zipped (semi-folded)

Ta-da! The bag is folded into a disc-like shape! Convenient isn't it?

I like the bag a lot seeing that I am always travelling to Penang for a holiday every month. Too bad, they have delivered the red colour one to me, which I do not like the colour at all! It was advertised as yellow on its website. That's the only disappointing part to it.

The good thing is that it is foldable! This meant to say that when we do not need the bag, I will be able to fold it into the small part and put it into my other travel bag. It's a good idea if I am going for a shopping spree overseas or something. I'm definately looking forward to my next trip to Malaysia.

Anyway, other than being way too bored at home (it's just freaking 10pm!), today had been a rather good day overall! It would get better if someone were to call me now and ask me out! *hint hint* Well, till next time then!

~~Happily Broke!~~

Another Tiring Day @ Work

2008-10-30T23:38:00.002+08:00

Late for work again!! This time round, I woke up at 0835hrs and reached my office at 0920hrs. It's another $24 down the drain.

Sometimes, I really think that faking a MC is more worthwhile than trying to rush down to my office by taking a cab. Lol, but I would to think it as contributing to the economy and ensuring the livelihood of all the taxi-drivers. Afterall, it's people like us who gives them their 'salary'. The power of positive thinking. Haha. =D

There are more and more problems at work and there are rumours floating around that the company might just be on the verge of collapsing. Well, rumours are still rumours unless proven otherwise. Anyway, it just seems to me that when there are no problems, there are no problems, however when problems comes, everything just comes all at once.

Just when I thought that the worst is over, another complaint from a client came in. This time round, the management did not take a relax stance to this as the problem was lodged up to MAS, and at the same time the client had been calling up MAS and scolded the person who answered the phone lots of nasty things. I could understand the client's feelings as he had lost a lot of money in the market downturn, and perhapes he hopes that by doing this, he might be able to recoup his losses. Who knows?

But, it's scary when you are handling complaints like this. I had seen for myself investors who had lost all their investments, there are some like this particular client, lost more than 50% of his investment portfolio. This just goes to show the volatility of the market and that investments are truely risky, and there is no such thing as 'safe' investments. Take unit trusts for example, when one gains, it is usually very little. However, when the fund prices falls, it falls a lot. That is the scary part. I still think I would just stick to investments on my internet business. At the very least, though profits is slow, it is still guaranteed.

Anyway, though I do feel sympathy for these clients, I still detest it when complaints comes in. This is because I will get really very busy, like today! I had no time for lunch at all today and had eaten my lunch in 10 minutes flat! Let me just pray hard that today would be the last case in this bearish market.

Besides, the fact remains that majority of the investors knew what they are getting themselves into when they had first invested into whatever investment product. They knew the risk that were involved, and they knew that profits are not guaranteed. I would just say that perhapes it is just 1% of those who had lodged a complaint are genuine cases of mis-representation and mis-selling on the agent's part. Other than that, the rest are just putting in a last minute effort in the hope that they would at least recover part of their losses. Well, I would just like to say this to these people: Greed kills. It's always better to be easily satisfied and be thankful for what we have in life.

I was quite cranky at work today because of what was going on in the company, coupled that with the fact that I had only 3 hours of sleep the night before. Thank goodness that my student's examination is over and I am on break where giving tuition is concern. Otherwise, I have no idea how I would get through the day today. Thank goodness for small favours. =)

After work, I had an appointment to meet-up with my friend who is at the same time my neighbour. But when I reached home, I did get a bit lazy and just lazed around my house for about an hour before finally meeting up with him at 0900hrs. We then went off to the coffee shop (Mr. Teh Terik) near my house for a drink before heading back home. Of course, I did not order anything to eat as I had cooked my own dinner and had eaten my cooked dinner before heading out with my friend. Gosh~ I had already grown so fat to eat more than I should. It looks like I am 3 months pregnant! Yes, it is that bad! (Got to diet.. and cut down on my food intake. Hmm..)

It had been a long time since I hang out with a friend like this, and catching up with one another. It's a pleasant feeling to have, though I had apparently caught him in a bad time as he seems to have some minor problems with his girl. Well, I hope that everything works out between him and his girlfriend and that my suspicions about the girl is wrong. It would be disastrous if I had read the girl correctly. ::Crosses fingers::

~~Tired..~~

Slumber 29-10-2008

2008-10-29T16:42:00.011+08:00

It's my 2nd day at work after the long weekend, and still in a deep slumber. =( I am way too late for work today (arriving at 0930hrs) and had to take a cab (costing $25), all because I woke up at 9am!

Time just seems to pass so slowly today and I have no work on hand at all. It's to the extent whereby I will have to bluff my way through the 8 hrs of deskbound work today. The last time I checked the clock, only 15 minutes had passed! ::Incredulous:: And it genuinely felt like it's more than an hour. What a huge difference a long weekend make!

Anyway, a few shocking news and a few happy days lived for these past 4 days. The panic situation in my company Elpis had settled, and the 5 advisers affected by the new switching ratio rule implemented by MAS need not tender their resignations afterall, and they are not forced to resign too! This is something to celebrate as I was not too happy when my department head forced them to resign last Friday, and those who do illegal switching and pre signed forms are those who got off scott free. Oh well, all well ends well. =D

Just a quick update of the past few days (It had been an hectic week last week!)

28-10-2008 Tuesday 1st Day Back to Work
Yawnz.. After a long weekend of 3 days (it should have been 4, if Deepavali had not been pushed forward to Monday instead of Tuesday), I did not want to go to work at all. The feeling of dread when my alarm clock sounded will stay with me for the rest of my working life. Sigh~

Anyway, I was slightly late for work yesterday arriving just 5-10 minutes after Tan Chin Chin. And unlucky for me, my department head is already in the office!! ::Horror:: Which means to say, he noted my lateness for today. It puzzled me as to why he is in the office so early today when usually he only steps into the office after 1030hrs. Lol, he is well known as the lateness king. But then, he's the boss and he is of course free to do whatever he deems fit.

Today is a long day for me, as well as a hectic one. I was still trying to get the switching ratio percentage under control, and at the same time, to organise the switching file into neat sections. It is of course not required of me, but I feel better when I see an organised file as it allows for me to retrieve whatever data I need quickly and efficiently. So more work initially for lesser work in the long run. I always prefer the shortcut method to get things done on time.

There is not enough hours in a single day to do whatever we want to achieve, and there is no need to shorten the free time we have in a day by doing additional work that can be saved. That is my motto in life. Well, some might say I am lazy, but then that is their opinions. What's the point of looking so hardworking when the work output is so minimal. Isn't it better to appear to be lazy but efficient, with high volume of work output? Well, think about it.

I had cooked lunch for today!! It doesn't look very appetizing, but trust me, it's delicious! ;) And that is for sure, afterall, it's cooked by me myself!! (It's not everyday I cook, and it's only once in a blue moon. So those who have eaten the food that I have cooked before, you are one lucky fella!)

My Homecooked Lunch

Closeup of the sesame chicken
(A bit saltish, but taste just right with a plate of rice. Yummy!)

So, that is my lunch for the day - A bowl of salted vegetable soup, and sesame chicken. Feedback from my colleagues is that the chicken is a bit saltish, but mixing it and eating it together with rice makes it just right. My own opinion? I agree with the feedback given, but at the same time, I would say that it needs more ginger to bring out the taste of the chicken. Lol, I can't help it if I love ginger, right?

After lunch, it is again back to work. Boring, boring office work. I just hate the routineness of deskbound work. Lol, but it won't be long when I am back to freelancing or some would say, full-time part-timing (coined by JS - our intern).

It was a long long day for me as I have tuition after work. No choice as it's my student's Science final year examinations on Wednesday. So, no matter how tired I am, I stilll have to be the responsible me and drag myself to her house and give her the aid that she needs. Hopefully she will do well in her Science! Good luck Cassandra! May you score with flying colours and bypass the standards that I have set for you.

Well, my student is very smart and bright girl, just a bit rebellious at her tender young age. I have no idea why are the children of today like that. But, it's all part and parcel of growing up. But, then again, she is one of the student I enjoy teaching the most, as her graspe of concepts and explanations is fast, and I don't have to repeat many times just to make her understand. In short, she is a joy to teach, and after 2 years of tutoring her, I would have to say that I had fallen in love with her. Hopefully, my contract in teaching her would get renewed again. ::Prays hard::

Again, I reached home around 2200hrs. It's no wonder that I am so tired. On top of the tiredness, I still have to deal with my family problems as well as my boyfriend's tantrum. Gosh! Sometimes, when something happen, everything bad happens at one shot!

I received a call from my youngest aunt at around 1600hrs, informing me of our family problems. Apparantly, my 7th uncle (we call him Mr. Ang) had abscoded with my grandma's inheritence of 1 million and had escaped to Canada. As of now, he's uncontacble and there is no response to calls or SMS made to him. The victim is my grandmother and now she is like a ball passed from one sibling to another with no one willing to take her in, now that she have no assets on her. Sad right? 14 children, but all useless.

That is why money though important, is also evil. With so many children and so much money, so what? The entire family gets separated and divided because of human's greed. I miss those days whereby all of us were close and gathers at my grandparents house to play and talk. Those days were gone when my grandfather passed away. The greed for money was the downfall of our Ang family.

Oh well~ the children are now going to get a court summon to get Mr. Ang back into Singapore and return the money that he had stolen. At the same time, my uncles are going to fight in court over how much maintenance each family has to give in order to provide for my grandma. And the news came from my Aunt, as my mother is unemployed and I am the only working adult in my family, under the law, I would have to pay for my mother to support her mother.

What logic is that? I mean, I already have severe cashflow problems with the 1k salary of mine, and I still have to pay maintenance fee just because my uncles and aunties are selfish? ::Incredulous:: Well, there is nothing I can do. The law is the law, we will have to abide to what Singapore law says. I will just have to wait for the Court to pass judgement before panicking. Don't think so much, Angelia when it had not happened yet.

On top of all those problems that I am facing (in the company, family problems), I was also facing another problem in my personal life. =( My boyfriend and I got into a major argument just after he left Singapore. The problem with him is that he only hears what he wants to hear, and do what he wants to do without thinking about other people's feelings.

What happens is that he had just left Singapore yesterday, and immediately went off to work upon reaching his hometown. It was a long day for him with more than 24 hours without sleep. And he had to overtime till 2100hrs, so my concern for him was why don't he go back home and sleep, instead of insisting of going to his friend's party.

So, I was just advising him, stating the facts to him as it is. But then, he lost his temper and started shouting at me. Gosh~ Sometimes I wonder how guys think. But, good thing is that he apologised to me at 0200hrs (4 hours after).

Lol, so it is of no wonder why I am late for work the next day!

Mentally Tired.. 23-10-2008

2008-10-23T13:32:00.003+08:00

These past few days had been really tiring - what with the collapse of Lehman Brothers, as well as my student's upcoming examinations.

No time to do the things I want to do, and no time to truely relax. I had been kept really busy in the office to the point of no return. Sometimes, I really wonder to myself if this is the line of job that I want. I hate being desk bound and I hate the routineness of the work that is given to me. Besides that, it is not like I need the cash from this job - I can definately get a higher salary outside.

It's about time I go back to the industry that I love and I am thinking of my options right now. There is 2 job offers waiting for me, and 2 options that I can take in life. But at present moment, I am still undecided.

I was offered to work in the same field that I am in at a salary twice my current one, and the 2nd job offer was to go back to the same industry but in another field of work at four times my current salary. But, the thing that is holding me back is the fact of whether or not I want to be desk bound again. Another two options I can take is to go back to the fields that I was working in for 6 years plus - either tuition or the F&B line. I can't think clearly at the moment. Too many things to decide.

Full Time Job
Being in this job at present moment does not give me any sense of security - be it in terms of financial aspects or job aspects. Any moment from now, the company might just collapse in view of the financial turmoil that had set the world into market depression. And when that happens, what will happen to us - the staff? Besides this fact, I do not like how the company operates - too many politics going on within the company, and too many malpractice and coverups in the place going on.. Sigh~

My Student
It's exams period for my student, and it is a stressful period for both my student and myself, the tutor. My student is far behind in her work, and I wonder if I had been too lenient with her to the extent that she did not revise for her work. In the end, all practice papers given to her was all badly done and she failed in every single practice given. I wonder if she will manage to pass this time round.

This week is really packed with me arranging a total of 5 lessons in 1 week. It's a crashed course, and it might not do any good to her results, but hopefully it will help somehow or rather. I am praying. Oh well, her English papers is over and done with. Today is her Maths paper. I am worried that she will not do well. But nevertheless, let the both of us give our best shot, and hopefully she will be able to do well this time round.

Till next time!

Hey o_0

2008-10-07T11:39:00.001+08:00

Hey friends! How have you been? It had been a very long time since I had retired from blogging, more than 2 years if you want to be exact. In the short span of 2 years, too many things had been happening in my life, and with all it's ups and downs, it had certainly made life much more interesting for me!

Well, take care everybody~ Keep in touch =)

It's All Over.. 0141hrs 11-12-2008

2002-12-11T01:41:00.000+08:00

It's all over. I came clean with him about my past, and it's all over. He hates me now.

My heart hurts like it could never hurt. I have lost him.. perhapes forever. And he hates me now, hates me for not coming clean with him 1 1/2 years back. My heart is hurting badly, but perhapes it's the best for both of us. He was too good for a person like me.

Finally, I came clean with him, about my past. A past that was too shameful and painful to tell.. A past that only a handful knew about. A past that allows people to judge me not for who I am, but rather for what had happened to me. I came clean with him, and as I expected, he could not accept it. I'm hurting but I got to let it go. No matter what happens, I have got to be strong and forge through life. It's painful, very painful. My past has come back to haunt me, a past that I thought that I have forgotten. A past that not many people knew about.

At the very least, I am thankful for all the love and concern that he had showered upon me without any judgement. All the love and concern that I should never have deserved. He walked away today, and I let him go. My heart hurts like it's about to break, but I know that it's for the best. I could have never deserved him, not with a past like mine. I'm hurting, but I am finally relieved. I am no longer living a lie.

And today, I am no longer going to hide my past from all the others. A past that I feel that every single person around me should know, and then decide for themselves if you yourselves are able to accept me. I am tired of living a lie, acting cheerful every single day. As a friend say to me before, I am a damn good actress but my eyes betrays me. Accept it, or deny it, judge me or accept me for who I am, it's all coming out today. Because the past makes me who I am today.

And finally, it's also today after revealing everything that had happened to me for these past 4 years have I finally came to peace about my past, and I can finally understand myself better. Finally understanding why I do the things I do, and the way I act. Finally.. this is the inner peace that I have been long searching for...

I told him about how I lost my virginity 4-5 years back. I was raped. He didn't believe it. But then, a simple question posed to him.. I was such a naive and innocent girl back then.. If a guy were to force himself on me, what is that called? I posed to him the question of last year when I went to Malaysia with him. At that point of time, when he had forced himself on me, and I have refused, and should he continued, then what is it called? He fell silent. Because it is rape, regardless of what one would say.

Only the girls working at Orange Julius as well as my godbrother who was working with me in MOS Burger knew about it. And that is also the reason why a fight broke out outside Tampines Mall between my friends and my then boyfriend. He is the very first guy who introduced me to the concept and the hurt of what it feels like to have been cheated of both my money and my body. He is also the very first guy who I have hated.

Coming then down the road, I then turned to cigarettes and beer to numb myself. An introvert at that time, with little friends, I could find no other ways but that to numb myself that way. Slowly, slowly, I began to change. I soon fell into depression, and all of a sudden, I became a girl with lots of friends and a seemingly open personality. At that point of time, dancing, drinking and smoking soon became part of my life, as well as all the late nights outside. I changed from a studious girl to a girl who is deemed bad by society all in a span of a night.

But, I was living a lie. I went through several boys like I was changing clothes, and broke many hearts along the way. Yong Qing was one of the innocent ones who was just unlucky to have fallen in love with me during that down period of my life. I vowed revenge on every single soul who so happens to fall for me. And so, I started to use them. When I know that they are deeply in love with me, I dumped them. And this routine goes on until just last year - April 2007.

I fell pregnant during that time. 4 years have passed in a blink of an eye. To say that it's long, it's not long. To say that it's short, it's neither short. I had lost a huge chunk of my young adult life to drinks, partying and cigarettes. I was pregnant and turned to the very guy that I have fallen in love with when I was 17 - and that is Chun Ming. Throughout the 4 years that I was wasting my life away, he was never far from my thoughts.

He was the very first guy that I was serious about, and also the very first guy who hurt me so deeply. Ironic isn't it? He is also presently the last guy that I am serious about - the guy who have walked away from me and the feeling is like having a knife plunged into me. During the period of pregnancy, I wanted to keep the child, if only not for that one sentence he said, abort it and he will accept me into his life. I went for the abortion. We got together, only to have him leave back for his hometown on the very 2nd day - 28th July 2008 (A day I will remember forever).

Things went on fine, and we braved through the ups and downs in our long distance relationship. I was happy and I thought that he too, was happy. Until last Thursday - 4th December 2008, he wanted more. He wanted to marry me, and wants me to move to Malaysia with him. I could not do it. And things started to cool down between the both of us. He started turning cold towards me. Slowly, things came to a standstill. And finally, 2 days ago, he wanted a breakup only to patch back with me after I told him that I hated him.

But, never have I imagine that when I finally questioned him today, he came clean with me. In his heart, I could never replace Hua Li (the girl who he chose over me 5 years back). He was wildly in love with her, and up to now is still in love with her, even though she treated him badly. He told me perhapes it was because they had a stable 2 years relationship before he went to Singapore to work. And even coming to Singapore was alll because of her, whereas where I am concerned, we started out on the day he went back to Malaysia. In the 1 1/2 years that we are together, we are in fact only together for 15 times. So, is this called love? This is the question that thrown to me.

My heart started to die with every single question that was thrown to me, and with every word uttered by him, shattering all that I believed in. Until finally, I decided to come clean with him about my past. I told him about everything that had happened from the first time he broke up with me when I was 17 to the time up to my pregnancy. I told him about how I did not want to tell him, and chose to lie to him about my past. I told him I was selfish and just wanted his love and that I could not bear for him to judge me.

Every single guy who came after me, just want one thing from me. And that is my body. Afterall, like one of my close guy friend put it across to me 3 years back, in an attempt to wake me up from what I was doing to myself - "Afterall to a guy's view, it's a free fuck, why not take it" That hurts badly that time, but it did in fact woke me up slightly.

How could I have bear to come clean with him about a past like that on the very first day we got together. I want him to be with me at that time because of his feelings, and not because he pity me, or he just want to use me like every single guy out there. I lied to him about my past because of selfishness, but he can never understand that. He thinks that I lied to him, and that is something that can not accept.

He judged me after learning everything. And he left me. It's officially all over. My heart hurts. But I finally understood the reasons behind all my actions. I lived a lie all because I was afraid. I was afraid of people's view of me. I was not confident enough and chose to self-destruct in that manner. All of these ceased to exist. I am who I am now because of my past. And because of him judging me and deciding to leave me, I want people to know the real me. I want people to know my past and judge me.

To Jennifer, Han Bing, Jian Wei & Kelly -- Now do you understand why I keep changing boyfriends every other month? Now do you understand why I was not the sweet girl that you knew when I was 16? Now do you all understand why I am no longer the girl that you all knew from 16-18? I lost all of your friendships just because you all did not understand.

Jennifer, your words still do hurt me. You told Han Bing that you have no idea why I have such a weird thinking towards love, and why I am such a flirt. You told Han Bing that you no longer knew me, and that we have drifted apart.

Jian Wei, you told me that I was not the innocent girl that you know since we were 8. It's like seeing me when we were 18 is like seeing a stranger even though we knew each other for so long.

Kelly, you say that somehow or rather, I am not the girl that you know back when we were 16. You suspected that something was up, and that somehow or rather something must have had happened in my life to make me change so drastically. But you have never bothered to find out more.

All of these friendships broke away all because you all could not understand me. Yes, you all did tried to help, tried to set me back on the right path. But somehow or rather, I was too lost and was bent on destroying myself that I pushed away everybody that matters to me. The anchors that was keeping me sane broke away and I was left with a company that pushed me further into self destruction.

The pregnancy and abortion was the one that finally woke me up. But then all was lost. I had lost so many friends who were good and true to me, not because they don't care. They cared and did in fact tried to reach into me for a year plus or so, but eventually it was tearing them down, and they left. I grieved for those friendships of mine.

Chin Chin -- Please do understand. Sometimes, its not that I do or say things to deliberately hurt you. You remind me too much of myself in my younger days - the period of 18-21 years old. I don't want to see a friend go down the same path that I went. Like I told you, self destruction comes in many forms, and as long as one gives up on oneself and no longer cares what he/she do, that is already a form of self-destruction. Many of the words and advices given to you by me, though it hurts, do know that I don't mean any harm from it. I just do not know how to put it across to you.

Those who have seen the real me before I was 18, that is the real me. I have lost myself along the way, and have set on destroying myself. Finally I woke up today and I will try to find my real self back. I know that there are those who still believe in me from my past and is still trying to pull me back.

To which I am grateful. Those people who can never understand the changes that they have seen in me over the last 10 years but yet chose to stick with me. And that is all of you friends - Xiu Zhen, Janis, Jian Nan, Laine, and Xiu Qin. I am not sure why would our friendship survive despite my nastiness to all of you, especially to Xiu Zhen. Our friendship has cooled indefinately, but still we remained in touch,. I am grateful for all of you.

In the past, I used to despise myself, and look down on myself.

Chin CHin, you say that you envy me. You envy that I seem to be so self confident in everything I do. Now I am telling you the truth. I seem to be that way simply because I have given up on myself long time ago. And it's because of me giving up on myself, I do not care about what happened to me. And as such, it creates the impression that I am self-confident. But, am I really? In fact no. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I hid it well. Like you say, even though you know me for quite some time now, you can not tell what I am thinking inside, or when I am feeling sick. Cause I still look the same despite the turmoil within myself.

I have not allowed anyone to get close to me emotionally over these last 4 years, in a way to protect myself from emotions. That is how it seems like I am ruthless when it comes to certain things or matters. But, i am not that way. I am grateful to have Benjamin came into my life, helping me out whenever I run into trouble, and being my anchor as well as my punching bag when the going gets tough. I am moved by his unconditional help, though I could never express that to him in words.

I hate my colleagues because they remind me of a time when everything seems so rosy - a good life, a good education. The innocence and naivety of my colleagues make me feel sick inside as they remind me of everything that I had thrown away. I have never allowed them to get close to me, and I guess I never will. They are just too good to be associated with the likes of me.

Now coming to think back on my life, I have wasted it away and threw many good opportunities away. It's time I should wake up and start to think about my life seriously. Time to start all afresh with a clean slate and work my way back and find my real self. Maybe the going will get too tough, maybe the path will be smooth after the tough going. But, no matter what, losing him is what makes me wake up to my own senses.

Like I always say.. losers are those who whine. I shall whine about it here, and let it be the very last time. Bygones be bygones. I shall bear the consequences of my own actions, and will not whine about it after this very post. Let go, let live and move on.

I miss him.. I hate myself.. Just wanna wake up from this nightmare and move on. God, please just let me forget everything and start my life afresh. I still want him back...My head hurts.. My heart is twisted.. I want someone to accompany me, to tell me everything is alright, but I also want everyone to just leave me alone.. I just want him back..